diamonds furever

Dateline: December 31 1999. I rolled over and one fell out. Clearing my throat of the fetid swamp that had taken up residence there I gingerly opened my eyes. On the bedside table sat an empty bottle of scotch and two glasses, one still emblazoned with the crimson imprint of the lips I’d been kissing the night before. I looked down at my pillow. Lola’s gold-spun tresses were carelessly strewn over the monogrammed linen. I licked my lips nervously. I needed another drink, I needed an alibi, but most of all I needed a new alarm clock.

I slipped out of bed and into my coat and hat. Picking up my gun, I cursed my luck at running into Lola again. I had an hour before Faisal wanted answers to the questions of the day before. Like why had his accountant invested in the Millennium Dome project? I didn’t know but I was going to find out. Tucking Lola’s cab fare into her rhinestone studded shoe I blew her a kiss. I had a date with a curvy dome that couldn’t wait.

Down in Greenwich, I dodged the crowds gathering for the New Year celebrations and slipped into the Dome unnoticed. It was disturbingly like a space ship and I had a momentary flashback that left me shaken, stirred and carbonated, but before I could grasp the significance it was gone. Finding myself in the body zone, I climbed into the brain to have a think. I cursed my hangover. Bright lights were dancing before my eyes and blinding me. I pulled down the brim of my hat and peered out through the right frontal lobe at the Millennium Star, one of the largest diamonds in the world at 203 carats. As I whistled in admiration, my fractured brain struggled to slot itself back together.

“Well, hello there”, drawled a voice from the shadows. Blinded by the diamond, I could only make out endless legs. “Got a light?” The voice emerged from the shadows attached to a chassis that had to be seen to be believed. She was tall, lean and elegant with smooth clean lines. She rippled towards me and lounged provocatively across the cerebral hemispheres. I blinked in confusion. She could massage my cranial nerve any time.

Fishing a zippo out of my pocket, I flipped the lid and produced a flame. My heart skidded down to my knees and danced a rumba. She was tawny and beautiful with a whiff of the orient. Clouds of perfume enveloped me and tickled my memory. Where had I seen her before? I shook my head to clear it as circus music started up far below us. Hadn’t Slippery Joe, Faisal’s accountant, recently hooked up with an expensive Sloughi dame? My hair stood on end as she came slinking even closer.

“Why thank you, handsome”. She exhaled the words through her aquiline nose and studied me minutely. I stood rooted to the spot until the Millennium Star rotated and the sudden flash of light brought me back to my senses. So Slippery Joe thinks he can dupe me with a dame in a dome? Pushing her aside, I ran through the cerebellum and slid down the spinal cord to ground level. Forcing my way through the chanting crowds I raced to save the Millennium Star. Slippery Joe had used Faisal’s money to buy his way into the Dome, but I knew his eyes were on a bigger prize. Girls like that can break a man and it would take more than superglue to put Joe back together. The chanting got louder: “Ten, nine, eight, seven, six -"

I was close enough to the diamond’s dazzle to see I wasn’t the only one aiming to pocket it. My intentions were strictly honourable but Slippery Joe had nothing to lose now and was shinning up to the roof like Spiderman on rocket fuel. I threw myself at his snakeskin shoes and hung on for the ride. Far below me the crowd were singing Auld Langsyne. I waved to the Queen but the PM had her in a grip like a vice so she couldn’t wave back. As soon as I spotted Tony Blair my head started spinning. It didn’t clear until I heard Lola calling up to me.

“Bob, BOB!”

Like a man clinging to the edge of a cliff I knew I shouldn't look down but couldn’t help myself. Lola, Faisal and Fat Al were watching with upturned faces as Slippery Joe clambered around the roof supports with me dangling from his inside leg. I took a deep breath and tugged as hard as I could. Joe let go and my ears stood on end with ultimate velocity as we dropped 203 carats a second. Fat Al made a soft landing, and I bounced back to my feet like an Olympic gymnast. The crowd went wild, it was a perfect ten. I presented the Millennium Star to Lola with a flourish.

“Happy New Year” she shrieked, flinging herself into my waiting arms.

“Bob ..” snarled Faisal.

I slapped a Parental Advisory Sticker across his kisser. Now I could pay proper attention to Lola’s. She was warm, she was inviting, and she melted in my arms like a marshmallow. I adjusted my hat to cover our blushes. It was dark under there, but I saw enough stars to last a thousand years.